You have made your mind up…. you are going to get a divorce. Now what are our next steps?
You have exhausted all the options. Your spouse won’t change or repent. The situation feels immovable.
We are not talking you out of it on this episode. We are on your side.
Let’s talk about all the things you should do. What are the wise next steps? Where are the hurdles and land mines?
In this episode of “UnYoked,” we dive deep into the practical aspects of moving forward after making the tough choice to end a Christian marriage. We understand that this decision is never easy, especially within the context of faith where divorce can be surrounded by stigma and feelings of failure. However, we want to assure you that our intention is not to dissuade you but to provide guidance and understanding.
Your kids are watching (by the way: ignore ANYTHING they say “We just want you to be happy. It’s ok.” They may want to see you smile again. They want you happy but they are kids… they can’t possibly see down the road far enough.). They are not capable of weighing all the options and consequences of these types of decisions.
Think of your future kids. It feels like a lot to ask of you… just do your best. Role model well how to handle conflict and burdens in your life. They will see… hopefully some day.
Also, this one can be hard to swallow for some of you listening:
You can find miracles. As impossible as it currently seems…. your marriage can actually can be salvaged. It can actually be better.
It sometimes feels like swimming in the dark but your story is NOT unique.
Listen, your marriage is 100% broken. It will NEVER go back to the way it was. There is NO going back. Your marriage is dead…. but you can build a new one. It is salvageable. Maybe painfully salvageable…
FIGHT!!!!!!
In this middle of this season… whether you are the one wanting out, if you are the one trying to salvage or somewhere in between… realize that God sees you as ONE. Your marriage is the combining of two lives into ONE. You may not “feel” like ONE right now. Your relationship is a hot mess… I get it.
I want to assure you that … you are not alone and your situation is not unique.
No matter what you are going through there are most likely thousands if not 100,000 people out that window that have experienced the same things.
You have options. You have resources. You have a big graceful God who is in the business of miracles. We will discuss some of those options at the end of this podcast.
This is SUPER important: Don’t let your church, don’t let your friends sway your next steps… they are NOT walking in your shoes. Notice I didn’t say.. “Don’t let God sway your next steps”. We want to hold His word and law high but we don’t have to be burdened with opinions, wishes, hopes, and preferences of those not feeling your pain.
You will get advice to go miles you don’t need to go. You will get advice telling you to JUMP today. These are just opinions. My advice is don’t make these decisions lightly.
Here are some of your options / Possible next steps to consider: while you fight….
Counseling: There are professionals that help couples navigate and solve their issues. It is healthy. If you church or pastor belittles counseling.. you may have an immature shepherd leading your flock. (ignore him or anyone telling you that counseling isn’t helpful) Beg your partner to try and salvage the marriage. You might have to even lay down an ultimatum. Seek professional help. If you say you can’t afford it… I PROMISE its cheaper than a divorce. Bring in someone to help you and your spouse to navigate and reveal the underlying issues of your marriage. The issue you are dealing with is likely a Fruit issues… not the root issue. Find it… fix it.
Another nest step:
Go to the church (maybe not your church): In certain situations, you may need to go to your church. Use discernment here. Don’t stand up in a business meeting and reveal your marriage garbage… Maybe ask to speak with the pastor or an elder or women’s leader. Frankly, many of you listening will fall victim to a problem with the modern church. We have poor church discipline as we spend our time inviting non-believers to church vs nurturing those believers navigating a broken world. But, never the less you can follow the Mathew 18 model of taking your spouses major sin to the church. Too many people don’t trust the church and too many churches don’t intervene biblically. I can promise you as a former church leader… it is frustrating as a person wanting to help their flock to have a divorce announced without know or being able to help the couple navigate their issues and praying over the situations. Give your church a chance… reveal your mess and help your church “bear one another’s burdens.”
Note: Don’t go tit for tat on the blame game. This is for abuse, ongoing affairs, your partner living in a “secret sin” the church most likely doesn’t know about.
Separation vs Divorce: This is not always a wise solution no matter what some suggest. If affairs are happening this just opens the door wider and adds stress to the “where is my spouse and what are they doing?’
But… if you need relief and have the desire to give your marriage even more time to heal… consider this option. I highly recommend putting parameters around the “separation” or you could even more issues to deal with later.
Getting a Lawyer:
90% of most divorces start with the same simple minded statement by both parties… “We are adults and we will be able to divorce without much fighting. What is theirs is theirs and what is mine is mine. We can do this.”
Let me give you GREAT advice your spouse will hate. Hire a lawyer and have them FIGHT for you, your kids, your future.
You aren’t just splitting up some TVs and albums from college.
There is debt, equity, bills, taxes, insurance, college funds, future investments, wills, etc… and YOU WILL NOT AGREE and I promise you you will disagree and be manipulated to “think like they do.” Let your lawyer do the dirty work.
I’ve heard it over and over “I just wanted OUT and I was too tired to fight… and I wish I would have!” (More in future Episodes)
Your future self will be happy you got help navigating issues you just don’t have the energy to consider.
But, this may sound counter to everything I just said… there are legal options to navigating a Christian Divorce… there are law firms that help couple unyoke without the “fight.” If this is possible in your situation, I will have some resources on my website for you.
Too many people want out and make hasty decisions and I want to remind you these moments of Unyoking have decades of ramifications. Think them through.
In the meantime…. Stay off three things:
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Social Media. Don’t put anything about your marriage, spouse, your new lifestyle and events while the divorce is processing. Don’t passive aggressive speak to your spouse, their lover, their friends with your posts. Get off and stay off. If your job requires it, Stay on track and don’t talk about your marriage, divorce, or singleness or of your “current mood.”
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Dating Apps. Did you know that if you date in certain states your spouse’s lawyer can call them to the stand? Do I need to remind you… you are still married until you aren’t? Not that it makes me more righteous… but I wore my ring till I walked to the car after the judge finalized the divorce in the courtroom. You can wait. Its easy to say in your mind “Our marriage has been over for years… I’m ready to date. WRONG. You have NO idea what is coming. Now is NOT the time. Trust me on this. It will be tempting and 90% of you will not listen to this but to the 10% Trust me. Now is NOT the time to date or reach out to your old high school fling.
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Another person. You will feel lonely. You already feel devalued. You will love the attention. You are most likely used to frequent sex in your marriage. Maybe you haven’t been having sex. Don’t. Much more to come on this topic but I needed to say this here. DON’T (For those of you listening and thinking “A Christian Wouldn’t have sex out of wedlock…. Let me insert my eye roll here. Just email me your sins and let me send you an email back saying “A good christian wouldn’t (insert you sin here). This podcast is for Christians navigating a divorce.. where we have real talk about real problems and challenges. If you can’t handle this kind of talk, let us continue without you. Sex with someone right now might feel great. Can’t deny that… trust me… Don’t!!
Resources to consider your next steps
Is marriage a contract, or a covenant? Is the love that lasts a lifetime a fiery passion of desire, or something else? Is divorce a necessary evil to “be true to yourself,” or a rupture of a deep union? Jesus’ teaching on divorce is based in his vision of marriage, which is as radical today as it was nearly two thousand years ago.
This message from John Comer titled “The Marriage Myth” is so great you may have to listen twice.
